I have never owned a sportsbag, for most of my life I simply never needed one. Only sporty kids have sports bags. At some point, though, the sports bag became a symbol of everything I am not, but would secretly like to be: athletic, confident, thin, coordinated, cool. There’s just something so solid, so quietly resilliant about them: worn from regular use, tough, years old, a little muddy, the unchanging sign of an entire lifestyle which has always been so alien to me.
At some point I made myself a promise, that one day I would buy mysef a sportsbag… when I deserved it, when I was good enough. But this week I baught myself one anyway. Not because I have become some paragon of athleticism, some slim, cool, driven, competitive parallel world version of me. No, I baught myself a sports bag to celebrate returning to freshmeat training for a second time and giving it another go. I bought myself one because withholding sensible practical items (no matter how symbolic) from myself is mean and weird. I baught myself one because I need something to put my stuff in!
One thing I have learned so far on my derby journey is that everone, no matter how great a skater they seem, is on a journey of their own: each used to be less good at skating than they are today and each has skills they want to work on for the future.
At my first freshmeat traing session of the season today, I realised just how far I have come on my own journey, and how confident I must seem to those who are taking their very first wobbly strides. They can’t see my journey, they don’t know that just a few months ago I was the slowest to stand up and the first to fall down. I can hardly belive it myself, so it’s important to sit back for a moment and just appreciate the journey for a while. We are all of us awesome right?!
So, it may take me years to feel I deserve something as auspicious as a sports bag, though hopefully one day I will believe in myself enough to just get over it. One thing I can say for sure though is that I will never be as good a derby player as I want to be, because I will always want to play harder and faster than I did the week before. And that is exactly how it should be.
Ps: omg my feet hurt!!!